They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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