Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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