Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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