he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
