So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
