oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
