She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
