My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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