I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
