i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
