Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
