So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
