Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
