one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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