The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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