So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Someone came in the potted fern
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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