Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize