I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
