In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
