i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Randomize
