oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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