I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
