where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
