Too much gin, very little bucket
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
