This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
