Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
