you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
