he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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