When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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