this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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