Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
