So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
