every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
