Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize