I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
