I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
