Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
