Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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