Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
