i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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