Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Randomize
