Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
