ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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