So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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