I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
this just has baby written all over it
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize