cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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