the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
