I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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