You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Let's paint friendship bongs
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
