this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
