i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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