so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
