You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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