Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
