You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
