she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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