I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
