i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
