I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
