White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We need to rekindle our bromance
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
