he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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