I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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