a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
