real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
