i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
