sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Success! We fucked roommates!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
