Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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